Spotlight On

by Clark Westfield

Snow Job

Fact # 1: Vancouver, B.C. has temperatures hovering around 50 degrees with rain and fog.

Fact # 2: New Jersey has had 76 feet of snow in the past 2 months.

Conclusion: Hold the 2014 Winter Olympics in the Frozen Garden State.
I realize it’s not just New Jersey. There is snow in 49 of the 50 United States. They are trucking snow to the Winter Games from Alabama! What the heck is going on? I don’t know about you but here at the Jersey Shore, we are a little tired of hearing about Global Warming right about now. I mean, seriously, the snow is higher than Snookie’s hair. My dogs have been looking for a place to do their business since December. I have gone through three shovels, 18 bags of rock salt and enough extra-strength Excedrin to cure even the worst pains in the state house (Not tonight Governor, I have a headache). To keep warm, I have imbibed more hot chocolate than an elves’ Christmas party and more scotch than a weekend at Charlie Sheen’s. I’m pretty sure Johnny Walker Red is clearing my walkway as we speak. My wife is wearing 22 layers of clothing and I can’t remember what she looks like in a bathing suit. Public schools have had so many snow days that the kids should be done by the time classes resume in September. My I Phone is frozen stuck to my ear and I don’t like the person I’m talking to. Flights are being cancelled faster than NBC’s fall sitcoms. When are we gonna see some Spring?

I know there are some people who make a very good living off of our wintry misery and I don’t begrudge them that. Hardware stores, snow plow operators, kids who go door to door willing to clear the driveway for a few bucks (actually, the kids on my street have been so gainfully employed this winter that they now have a pension plan and health care benefits). All good. And of course, let’s not forget the maniacal enthusiasm of the local meteorologists. Salivating like Pavlov’s dog, they take to the airwaves, quoting statistics and isobars like they were today’s winning lottery numbers. The words “wind chill” give them orgasms. And the poor weather drones who have no seniority are bundled to the nines in their parkas and Uggs, dutifully bracing themselves against the elements to capture the scene from Sea Bright, Camden and The Woodrow Wilson rest area of the Turnpike. The thing is, sometimes they say we may get a “dusting” and we have a blizzard. Then it’s a major winter storm warning and we get 2 inches. Weather people have the best job in the world. I’m pretty sure if you or I got it wrong each day at work, we would have a shorter run than Jay Leno on primetime. If I come back in another life…

But let’s get back to my original conclusion…2014 Winter Games in New Jersey. Can you just see the “Flying Tomato” doing snowboard aerials between two downtown buildings in Newark? Ski jumping off Harrah’s Casino? Cross country skiing across the swamps of Kearney? Ice skating at exit 11 of the Garden State Parkway? Yes, I know…a half-pipe dream, but at the very least it might give you something to think about while you’re out there shoveling the latest accumulations the weatherman may or may not have predicted. And don’t forget to wear a hat. If your head is warm, your whole body’s warm.

More to come (probably in feet rather than inches)…CW